International Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day - 15th October

The 15th October marks

International Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

A day where all mothers, fathers, families, friends and the community unite to support and understand.

I remember the day.

The day my period was late and an old unused pregnancy test sat in my cupboard. A test I never got to use a year earlier after an IVF cycle failed.

I was sitting on the toilet, peeing. Thinking that I was just stupid, that this test after so many years, would ever be positive. After nearly 6 years of infertility and failed assisted conception treatments, I couldn't even fathom that a pregnancy had resulted and that it had come naturally.

It was Greek Easter week and I thought of G.od.

The test eventually did show 2 lines.

I was numb yet excited. I was scared yet appreciative. I didn't really know how to react. I walked like a zombie, delirious with the reality that I was finally blessed. The next few weeks my life had slowed down. What life presented to me felt like I was stuck in an old movie reel - pictures, people, words, movement, sounds and colours fading in and out. My concentration was solely on what was growing inside of me and the fear I felt, engrossed my entire body and soul. Nothing in the world was important to me. Nothing but this miracle inside of me. All those years of tears and sorrow were becoming dark shadows, still lingering to remind me of my past yet the secret smile on the corners of my mouth were gently moving in position to eradicate them.

The day I miscarry was one of the worst days of my life.

It happened quickly and mercilessly. The bleeding began and the painful cramps camped in my belly. It teased me for a few days but after a visit to the Emergency Hospital, it brought that sneaky smile crumbling down beyond sadness. But a depression so deep and profound. The blood test showed low numbers. The scan showed a heartbeat struggling to keep up. I was sent home to be surrounded by my own comforts and to miscarry my little one. Friday, the 13th June 2008 I held my little bean, bloodied, wrapped in toilet paper and I buried it with my beloved dog.

Yes, this post is callously descriptive of what occurred that day. It needs to be, so that if you have never had a miscarriage or don't know of anyone close to you who has been through one, then you will understand what it was like for me - to want to be a mother so badly, yet so easily given to others. See me crying desperately and huddled for days in a corner wishing my life would just end. This is how it is like for millions of women worldwide. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. A devastating time regardless of how far along you are.

I remember my pregnancy for the little soul that lived in me for those 7 weeks. For the few moments of happiness it brought me.

I remember the losses that my friends experienced too. Some of them now blessed, like me with miracles; we hold our children's beating hearts in our arms with kisses and cuddles every night. Some of them pregnant again - hoping the babies they carry will be born alive and healthy. There are others still fighting to achieve those illustrious 2 lines - waiting for their first born or for a sibling. Whilst others journeys have already ended with only memories of their angels to hold on to.

I raise my glass to you:

Alana, Anne-Marie, Bec, Chhandita, Chon, Claire, Deb, Elphaba, Emma, Felicity, Geena, Jayde, Justine, Kelly, Kirsty, Kristy, Laila, New Year Mum, Ola, Rachel, Ree, Sharon, Skye, Tee & Wave.

"When all we wanted was the dream,
to have and to hold that precious little thing."
~ Wait, Sarah Mclachlan

Robyn Bear, Founder and Lisa Brown, Co-Founder of http://www.october15th.com/ "envisioned a day when all grieving parents could come together and be surrounded by love and support from their friends and families, a day where the community could better understand their pain and learn how to reach out to those grieving. This would be a day to reflect on the loss yet embrace the love. While our babies’ lives were so brief, they were also very meaningful. Yet, their was not a time to talk about them. Our society seemed to forget or perhaps, simply didn't know how to reach out. We are asking everyone in all times zones, worldwide, to join us in a candle lighting ceremony at 7pm on October 15th".

Will you join me?