Monday, April 25, 2011

"Just Relax" - (Lest I Forget)

National Infertility Awareness Week 24-30 April 2011.

I humbly present to you my submission for the Bust an Infertility Myth Blog Challenge. If you would like to participate, go here.

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I remember my kitchen floor quite well.

It has grey/white tiles with fancy swirls. It's hard and cold. There are a few small cracks and chips on some of the edges, little consequences of clumsiness with saucepans and hammers. There are also stains from nights of spaghetti bolognaise meals and a carcass of a cockroach still lingers.

I remember my kitchen floor. I spent many times lying on it crying. I waited all day to cry. Waited for the husband to leave on his errands so that I wouldn't involve him in my despair. My spirit cracked from a loss of courage and hope.

I waited 6 whole arduous years. I cried for 6 whole disheartened years.

Infertility Fucking Sucks.

I remember my fertility specialists rooms quite well.

An old federation house set in a leafy tree lined suburb. It's award winning gardens livened with brilliant colours of red, pink and yellow roses nestled amongst the magnificent purple hydrangeas. Inside the waiting room the attractive furniture invites you to sit on its Italian imported leather and dark oak lounges and chairs. In her consultation room a glorious Japanese Kimono hangs behind her like a Queen ready to address her subjects. The nursing stations are separated by fish tanks with various tropical fish swimming happily ready to greet you.

I remember my fertility specialist rooms. I spent 3 years as a patient undergoing 3 in uterine insemination's, blood tests, laparoscopy results, 2 IVF cycles, 3 frozen embryo cycles, urine tests, hormonal tests, ultrasounds and what the hell happened controversial discussions.

3 painful, anxious yet hopeful years of hormone injections in my stomach. Ultrasound dildo's modestly inserted in my vagina. Follicles galore, embryos grown in a petri dish, ovarian hyperstimulation, crazy moods and embryo transfers. Guilty and heartbroken feelings of watching the husband 'off his load' embarrassed and distressed in a darkened room with naughty magazines.

6 whole formidable years of pregnancy tests that came back negative. No explanation apart from a diagnosis of endometriosis that may have contributed to the outcome.

6 whole humiliating and bewildered years of a diminished faith and an empty wallet with no pregnancy or baby to show for it.

Infertility Fucking Sucks.

I remember the emergency department at the public hospital quite well.

It's bleak white walls. The several coughs and moaning pains of its inhabitants. The imprudent attitudes of it's medical staff. The dirty shit-stained toilet. My sad pale face and sullen eyes looking back at me in the graffitied mirror.

I remember that one night. A night of cramps and pain, a deep dull ache in my soul. Bleeding black clots. Red stained underwear. A relentless memory of drinking Chinese herbs from a straw to avoid it's potent disgusting taste. A quiet and happy yet short moment of seeing 2 lines on a pregnancy stick. One night is all it took to miscarry my beloved.

One lifetime to remember.

Infertility and Loss Fucking Sucks.

Do you still want to sit there with your smugness and painted thin lips whilst your designer dressed obnoxious children play at your feet and your fruitful yet soft cock husband delivers you a chardonnay and then you both broadcast and proclaim that my husband and I should "just relax"?

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To read other blog entries, Go here
Infertility 101? Go here
Want to know what National Infertility Awareness Week is? Go here

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25th April - ANZAC DAY
"They shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old, Age shall not weary them nor the years condemn. At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we shall remember them".
LEST WE FORGET


28 comments:

  1. Visiting from ICLW.

    Infertility does suck! Thanks for stating it so truthfully!!

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  2. Thank you for writing this. I hope others read it and think twice about offering the advice we all hate to hear.

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  3. Love your entry... IF certianly does suck :(( Love to you always xoxo

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  4. Brilliant entry!! I love it. Short and so not fucking sweet at all! I dont think I have ever relaxed in my whole life, ttc or not. If we had a cent for every tear we have cried and crumbled to the floor..

    Love you mad woman Athena... your words are inspiring and truly honest. I love your blog..xo

    And the ANZAC mention tears me apart. I am off to the pub now to play 2UP and raise a glass to the men and women who fought for our freedon, and still do today. I THANK YOU for being so brave and selfless.

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  5. LOVE THIS POST!!!! Now whenever I talk about baby #2 through adoption, I get that just relax comment...**don't TTC, just have unprotected sex and JUST RELAX*** grrrrr

    BTW, I gave you the stylish blogger award. Check it out :)

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  6. Oh Athena- Written so well, but heartbreaking at the same time. You've been through so much. When I think about my journey compared to yours...there is no comparison, even though I feel like I've been drug through a shrub backwards for the past 3 years. I can't imagine what you've been through. Your strength takes my breath away.

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  7. Such a great post Athena, your words made me teary and I know I can relate to many of the feelings and situations you mention. Love you!

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  8. So well written, thanks for putting this out here!

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  9. Wow! This is absolutely brilliantly written. This took me back to the 2 years of TTC our first child. I have not had half the heartbreaking journey that you have though. We have now been blessed with 3 children under 3 but not one was conceived by "just relaxing". Great message, especially for those NOT struggling with infertility!

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  10. Love this post and I am loving the blog! You completely hit the nail on the head. :)

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  11. I remember too. This was beautiful. Thank you.

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  12. You said this perfectly. We've been at it 2.5 years and told to relax so many times. It's like I'm being blamed for being stessed. It's a load of cow poo. Happy ICLW and thanks for sharing!

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  13. And here I thought I was the only one who knew how many tiles there are on the bathroom floor, and the hospital ceiling. Your voice is refreshing and brutally honest...and it belongs to all of us. Thanks for sharing. happy iclw (#156)

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  14. What a great post! Thanks for sharing.

    Happy ICLW!

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  15. I'm sorry you've had to go through the experiences that grew into such a beautiful essay. You have such a gift.

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  16. Powerfully provocative post.Great insights into what it is really like for so many women.

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  17. Hi Athena! The domino-effect has led me to your blog today (my daughter had fertility issues and subscribes to 'Maybe Baby', which I also read, and there I spotted the link to here...phew!). I've enjoyed reading a bit about your journey and thank you for being open, encouraging others on their own journeys. And congratulations on your beautiful little boy!
    I often feel like an imposter or a spy when I read about IF struggles, frustrations and despair. I am blessed with four children, all conceived the fun way with barely a blink. Even saying that elicits pangs of guilt and brings me to my point. I understand that you, and others, are writing to a particular issue, but sometimes it seems that we fertile people can do no right. Don't misunderstand me here; I empathise as much as anyone like me can, but will never know what it's like to be unable to conceive. That doesn't mean I am arrogant, smug or condescending. In your posts you talk of being left out of conversations because people don't know what to say to you, and yet being included in others where there are children and having to put on your happy-face. Perhaps you could help me out here, and let me know how people should behave? Truly. Because I'm certain there are others like me who read these blogs to help gain insight into the struggles others face.

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  18. Hi Beth,
    Thank you for making the effort to link in with my blog, read the posts and comment. I wish there were more women out there like you who make the effort to try and understand IF. I could easily reply with a cop out by saying that no matter how I describe or explain it - you will never understand the pain and frustration of IF because you have never walked in my shoes. However I will try to elaborate on my feelings and answer your questions. When I was left out of conversations it was deliberate. I have always been open with my IF issues. People asked, I replied with the truth. That truth then left me out of conversations. People assumed that I didn't want to discuss babies or pregnancy. Probaly. But it was made so obvious to me that all it made me feel was useless and alone. All I wanted was support. Support that could have been provided in the simplest ways by discussing other topics. The "happy-face", as most IFers would agree with me, is a mask. Most times I was happy to discuss or be part of a conversation where pregnancy and children were discussed. Other times it was not, especially if I had just had a negative pregnancy tests or a failed IVF attempt. The happy-face was my way of coping amongst all the happiness. Happiness that was not mine to share. I also didn't want to come across as selfish and that my needs were more important and have a unhappy face. I'm sorry to hear about your daughter also experiencing IF. She is very fortunate to have you as her mother. My mother was also very supportive and regardless of her uneducated migrant background, she still made the effort to understand my struggles and IF terminology. Unfortunately for most women in my life, especially coming from a Greek background they couldn't care less what I was going through. They approached me with such hostility and arrogance - touched my empty womb and made negative comments like it was my fault I couldn't have children. Made comments about how fertile their daughters and sons were. If I ever mention the word smug - I refer to them. I will never ask a women how to behave, let alone a women who had no issues with their fertility. There will never be a right answer. All I ask, is that women (and men) experiencing IF are treated with fairness, civility, understanding, compassion and sensitivity. I am fortunate to be on the other side now. I have my son. However the memory will never fade of what I went through to have him. How can I possibly describe to you how it feels to be in the darkness and the thought of never having children? You are blessed with 4 children. Imagine your life without them. For the most part, our blogs are to vent and unfortunately fertile women are in the firing line. Please also link in with Resolve's Bust an Infertility Myth Blogs and hopefully you may gain more insight into our struggles. Thanks again for your comment!

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  19. Absolutely love your entry. I was going to submit mine on the same myth...but now I'm not so sure!!
    We never know why things happen in life. Much love to you xx

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  20. Thanks for responding to my question! I shall keep in mind what you have said. I have had a look at the IF Myths, and think I have mostly avoided saying those clichés to anyone. You would have noted that I freely admit that I will never know for myself that pain, just as all of us in this life can never know another's feelings in their unique set of circumstances. That should not stop us from trying to 'walk a mile on their shoes' and showing understanding, sensitivity and compassion, as you say yourself. I do know what it's like to wear a mask, albeit for other reasons, so can relate to that! I'm sorry that people like yourself, and those with all kinds disabilities, are on the receiving end of peoples' ignorance and insensitivity. I'm not anybody special, just a traveller on a journey through life, learning as I go. I thank God for His compassion for me, and try to show that to others as well. And I am very thankful for my kids (and certainly find it hard to imagine life without them), and also my precious granddaughter!
    Cheers!

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  21. By the way, please read my comments with a soft voice as that is how I write them - forgive the poor writing skills which fail to express that!

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  22. Athena so well said. It made me tear up. I loved it and love you too!!!

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  23. Really love love love your blog. Wondering if you would be interested in submitted a guest post for me? May not be your thing, but have a think about it :-)

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  24. This is so well said. Thank you for sharing! I hope 2012 brings you the longings of your heart.

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  25. So much pain so beautifully expressed. I'm glad that your story has a happy ending! It gives me hope for mine :)

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  26. Visiting from Creme de la Creme. So wonderfully expressed! Thank you.

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  27. What an amazingly honest post! Thanks for sharing =)

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  28. This is an incredible post. Here from Crem de la Crem. It is amazing how different places can be so filled with emotion.

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Grace was in all her steps, Heaven in her Eye, In every gesture dignity and love" ~ John Milton. Thank you for your comments.