Friday, February 18, 2011

"Life Is A Warfare And A Stranger's Sojourn"

~ Marcus Aurelius.

Life does seem to be a battle sometimes. A dark stranger usually holidays in your soul when you're feeling black. I have moments of blackness. Only swift enough though to freak the fuck out of me. I'm not a paranoid delusional, although I've had my fair share of mind altering essences in my adolescence and early adulthood. "One time in band camp I ate a mushroom and hehe I thought I was a mushroom and one time I ...." But not enough to completely alter my physiology or my psychology. I'm somewhat discerning.

IF is was IS my dark stranger. Or in Dexter terms a dark passenger. I won't go on the bandwagon about this, I acknowledge and understand that there are many beautiful women out there still struggling to kick the goal of motherhood. I am grateful I have Callum. No scratch that.... I am completely ecstatic that I have Callum. Delirious is an understatement. But this post isn't about that. This dark passenger comes swiftly in my thoughts and for an infinitesimal moment whispers in my ear and tells me - Callum doesn't exist.

I nearly shit myself. Or in my favourite endearment: I touch cloth.

The dark passenger manufactures hallucinations.

I'm walking to the bus stop, pushing the pram. But Callum is not in there. It's just a doll.
I walk past Callum's bedroom, it's just a storage room filled with hoarded redundant crap.
I'm not woken up by any cries of "mum" but the neighbours detestable barking dog.

Everyone is playing the game too. They humble me because I'm insane, right? That poor woman holding the doll, rocking it gently, kissing it's cheek. That poor woman who had a miscarriage and can't have children. See her walking down the street pushing a pram - poor dear. Stop those vexatious teenagers from poking her with a stick!

They all give me those patronising sympathetic smiles. They feed the deception.

The dark passenger has been around since my pregnancy and stalks me still. I'm building the courage to tell the motherfucker to neck itself. To fly the fuck off. To bury itself in the deepest caves on Earth. To habituate the mind of a dung beetle.

I laugh at it. I suppose I'm broadcasting that I. Am. Crazy.

But for a split second my world crashes and I nonsensically believe the bullshit. Then I hear the slappity slap of bare feet running down the corridor, poking his head through the door and in a sweet little voice he says "mum, kaka". Time for a nappy change.

Reality hits and I can breathe again (through a mask, especially when he's teething)

My Real-Life Doll

Bloggsters, do you have a dark passenger too?
How has IF shaped your life?


  1. What a heart felt blog Athena - I could never have known it would be like this. Thank you for sharing xoxox

  2. That is a very honest post! Thank you for writting it.

    And I just gotta say PMSL at your I touched cloth comment! I just choke on my coffee reading it!

    I have a dark stranger too... It creeps up on you when you least expect it.

  3. Excellent subject for a post and close to my heart: I know I have developed a real phobia about driving the car, particularly with the kids in and I truly believe it is a reaction to what went before. And strangely this is on my list of things to write about - if I manage to spew the post out I may well come back and ask if I can link back to you? But will have to write it first! Brilliant post xxx

  4. I don't know, I'm too scared to think too hard about it. IF has been the biggest struggle I've ever had, and I have had two miscarriages. I am soooooo scared of losing my son and having no reason to live anymore. I have nightmares about this. When this happens I silently relocate him from his cool racing car bed to our king bed. I need him more than he needs me. Fuck!

  5. Hi and am popping over from AMB....... and looking forward to following your blog my blog is
    would love u to pop over and check it out

  6. What a cute little guy! I frequently look at my son and wonder if he's real. I feel like I just woke up this morning and all of a sudden had a 2.5-year-old. When did that happen? Is it going to last? So I think I know how you feel. It takes a long time for IF to heal, i think.

  7. Athena you have an amazing way with words-thanks for sharing this raw and honest post.
    I don't feel like I can answer that question because I really don't know- all I know is that it feels like my whole life is on hold at the moment because of IF.

  8. I definitely have a dark stranger visit from time to time... well more often recently while going through Gabrielle's anniversary. I occasionally wake up at night worried about our toddler and go to check she's OK... if I ever lost her I honestly couldn't bear it - she's my light and hope at the moment :) You write so beautifully and honestly :) xo

  9. What a post Athena. Touched me in a place in soul I hide from others. I constantly wake up at night and touch D's chest to see if he is breathing. I know what you mean.

  10. It's all "fear". The form it takes is almost irrelevant and the gift you have in the sweet boy compels you to do what you did. Refuse to believe it. Over and over as many times as it takes. The only way to teach Callum that fear does. not. own. him. is to do what you did, refuse to believe it yourself.

  11. My dark passenger? Says that I have a baby.... in an alternate universe and somewhere along the way I went off track and messed it up. Or that I am a mom but was brainwashed to believe I am not a mom and someone stole my baby. It's humerus in the light of day but a very real ache when I sit alone at night, especially when my husband is out of town for work so I feel especially alone. And then I come online and start reading strangers blogs and feel less alone. What would I have done if this was 100 years ago, living in a time of limited communication and an even bigger stigma against women without babies???

  12. I wonder if IF gives us all a dark corner of our souls. For me it makes it impossible to believe, that something good might come out of all this darkness still seems odd and wrong.


  13. IF never lets go. Its an odd thing that takes each of us in a different way and people in the "real world" have no clue what we are talking about.

    Hope you can kick your dark passenger out of the car and lock him out.

    ICLW #61

  14. I have similar nightmares... they started when I was pregnant and have just kept on haunting me. IF is the gift that just keeps on giving.


  15. I can relate to this. I think that most of us IF-ers end up with a dark stranger.

  16. Wow, scary. I think that there's something dark that ends up following us all around, and I fear a little bit what my dark passenger will be. Beautifully written post.

    Jenni - ICLW #12


Grace was in all her steps, Heaven in her Eye, In every gesture dignity and love" ~ John Milton. Thank you for your comments.