Friday, January 20, 2012

Kindred Spirits

As the fireworks drizzled to an airy smoke and the hung-over nursed their weary heads, the year 2008 was born. The year that my expectations of assisted conception came to a formidable and overwhelming end.

Empty wallets with nothing to show for it.

No baby to cuddle and love.

2008 was the beginning of a new adventure. I had not given up on trying to conceive. Pfft! Why would I since I was hard at it for 5 years at this point? What was another 5 more? Although I was heading towards the fucked up age of 35, when supposedly my fertility would come crashing down to A Few Good Eggs rather than an Easter Parade. 2008's resolutions included the gym, Chinese herbs, a positive attitude, and the death to bitterness and jealousy.

The basket of eggs would be replaced with HOPE.

In 2008 I accomplished all my resolutions and by New Years Eve, the magical 2 lines presented themselves on a pee stick. Albeit rewind the time to mid-year as I cried rivers over a miscarriage. Although even that disastrous experience gave me a sprinkle of faith.

This post isn't about that journey. Most of you already know it. No, the beginning of 2008 was an invitation to a relatives second child, 1st birthday party.

I didn't attend the party.

As much as my resolutions were in my head, they were still fresh. My heart was tired and my soul haggard. 5 years of infertility forced me into a black hole. As much as I felt and hoped that I would't be there for long, I enjoyed it - the darkness and serenity. No kids birthday party was going to shake that reverie away from me. I had already endured the first child's birthday's and Christening, and all the other celebrations that family and friends gather around for. I was always the only one amongst their fruitful and abundant fertile friends with an empty womb, empty arms and an empty heart.

I wasn't ready and my bullshit smiles were becoming redundant.

Fast forward to Present Day, this Sunday this child will be turning 5 years old.

I will be attending the party.

I will be attending the party with my husband.

I will be attending the party with my son.

I will walk amongst the people in the crowd with a twinkle in my step.

I will hold my beverage up high and wish the little girl a lifetime of happiness.

I will watch my son play with the other children; full of joy and spirit.

I will walk up to my husband and wrap my arms around his waist and immerse myself in a conversation about toilet training mishaps and textures of poo. I will pretend to give a shit and debate the benefits of whether my child will be attending a public or private school.

I will then go to the privacy of the toilet and cry. Cry of happiness that finally I can enjoy a kids birthday party without scorn and venom plastered all over my face nor distress for my predicament.

I will then go home, put up my feet and remember that it was not about being associated or accepted with a certain crowd but that I now was a proud member of a primordial kinship.

Kindred Spirits of Motherhood.


  1. Gorgeous post Athena - enjoy the party and make sure you have some fairy bread for me! xox

  2. Fck.... That paragraph about the 'fucked up age of 35' got me.... That's me. That's February. No Easter Parade??? WTF? I was preparing my costume..! You proved the stats wrong and I hope I do too.. Live to your little man. How things change. You are a mum and everyday we must pinch ourselves..

  3. I'm so glad that you can go to this party this year ... and feel like you belong there. It's a gift, isn't it? Every day.

  4. This will be me one day (except the fucked up age of 35 bit... I think I will have given up if it hasn't happened by then...) xo

  5. Yeah! Good on you. God Bless!

  6. I'm so happy that you were able to achieve your baby dream. And that it has turned out just like you wanted it to be. It makes sad that I find it so hard to appreciate these two children of mine. I do try, I promise. Every now and then my heart fills up close to bursting. And other times, I just want to vanish.

    Enjoy many happy years of kids' parties...

  7. Parties are so hard... glad this one will be so much easier than 4 years ago. One day all us aussie mums should have our own party... plenty of bubbly and tears shared together :)) xoxo


Grace was in all her steps, Heaven in her Eye, In every gesture dignity and love" ~ John Milton. Thank you for your comments.