Friday, January 20, 2012

Kindred Spirits

As the fireworks drizzled to an airy smoke and the hung-over nursed their weary heads, the year 2008 was born. The year that my expectations of assisted conception came to a formidable and overwhelming end.

Empty wallets with nothing to show for it.

No baby to cuddle and love.

2008 was the beginning of a new adventure. I had not given up on trying to conceive. Pfft! Why would I since I was hard at it for 5 years at this point? What was another 5 more? Although I was heading towards the fucked up age of 35, when supposedly my fertility would come crashing down to A Few Good Eggs rather than an Easter Parade. 2008's resolutions included the gym, Chinese herbs, a positive attitude, and the death to bitterness and jealousy.

The basket of eggs would be replaced with HOPE.

In 2008 I accomplished all my resolutions and by New Years Eve, the magical 2 lines presented themselves on a pee stick. Albeit rewind the time to mid-year as I cried rivers over a miscarriage. Although even that disastrous experience gave me a sprinkle of faith.

This post isn't about that journey. Most of you already know it. No, the beginning of 2008 was an invitation to a relatives second child, 1st birthday party.

I didn't attend the party.

As much as my resolutions were in my head, they were still fresh. My heart was tired and my soul haggard. 5 years of infertility forced me into a black hole. As much as I felt and hoped that I would't be there for long, I enjoyed it - the darkness and serenity. No kids birthday party was going to shake that reverie away from me. I had already endured the first child's birthday's and Christening, and all the other celebrations that family and friends gather around for. I was always the only one amongst their fruitful and abundant fertile friends with an empty womb, empty arms and an empty heart.

I wasn't ready and my bullshit smiles were becoming redundant.

Fast forward to Present Day, this Sunday this child will be turning 5 years old.

I will be attending the party.

I will be attending the party with my husband.

I will be attending the party with my son.

I will walk amongst the people in the crowd with a twinkle in my step.

I will hold my beverage up high and wish the little girl a lifetime of happiness.

I will watch my son play with the other children; full of joy and spirit.

I will walk up to my husband and wrap my arms around his waist and immerse myself in a conversation about toilet training mishaps and textures of poo. I will pretend to give a shit and debate the benefits of whether my child will be attending a public or private school.

I will then go to the privacy of the toilet and cry. Cry of happiness that finally I can enjoy a kids birthday party without scorn and venom plastered all over my face nor distress for my predicament.

I will then go home, put up my feet and remember that it was not about being associated or accepted with a certain crowd but that I now was a proud member of a primordial kinship.

Kindred Spirits of Motherhood.

7 comments:

  1. Gorgeous post Athena - enjoy the party and make sure you have some fairy bread for me! xox

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  2. Fck.... That paragraph about the 'fucked up age of 35' got me.... That's me. That's February. No Easter Parade??? WTF? I was preparing my costume..! You proved the stats wrong and I hope I do too.. Live to your little man. How things change. You are a mum and everyday we must pinch ourselves..

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  3. I'm so glad that you can go to this party this year ... and feel like you belong there. It's a gift, isn't it? Every day.

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  4. This will be me one day (except the fucked up age of 35 bit... I think I will have given up if it hasn't happened by then...) xo

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  5. Yeah! Good on you. God Bless!

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  6. I'm so happy that you were able to achieve your baby dream. And that it has turned out just like you wanted it to be. It makes sad that I find it so hard to appreciate these two children of mine. I do try, I promise. Every now and then my heart fills up close to bursting. And other times, I just want to vanish.

    Enjoy many happy years of kids' parties...

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  7. Parties are so hard... glad this one will be so much easier than 4 years ago. One day all us aussie mums should have our own party... plenty of bubbly and tears shared together :)) xoxo

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Grace was in all her steps, Heaven in her Eye, In every gesture dignity and love" ~ John Milton. Thank you for your comments.